3:57 p.m. - 2005-04-30
archive page...
~ As I was looking for an entry last night and realised that my 'older' pages wasn't right. So I sat here and proceeded to archive all my entries into their correct folders. As I was doing so, I began reading old entries... remember, I've had this site since 2000. In May it will be offically 5 years old. I was amazed at some of the entries... I laughed at some, cringed at some, wanted to cry at some....
This outlet, which is so rarely used in its intended purpose (true honesty), has been a lifesaver to me... not just because I have a place to write in... but because I have a well documentated history of the past five years.
(and ohhhh what an insane time these past five years has been)
One of the entries i stumbled across was when I was in LA and I thought I saw Brian, which sparked the whole "gotta find him again thing".(7/24/02) To think it was so long ago... it's just insane. I know my sister is really worried about this situation.. as demostrated by her numerous comments on it.. and I appreciate it, and I love her for it.. but I think she more than anyone knows what its like to do what I am doing.. and yes, its usually normally a bad thing.. but this is something I HAVE to do.. and I know I don't *have* to.. but I do.. for my own peace of mind...
I know that last thought makes no sense.. if you look at the history of he and I, how could going into this again give me peace of mind? Well.. this time its different. I'm different.. I'm stronger, and even though I write about it, the effect of him coming back to FL doesn't really hit me the same way it did when I first found him again.. it's a huge thing, just because its really fucking ironic that of all the places he ends up in FL?? and in Tampa of all the cities??
I really am over him. I have forgotten nothing on how he treated me... I've forgotten none of the pain or the hurt... and I know that I should forgive and move on.. but he never asked for forgivenss, nor will he ever.. and the fact that he doesn't care that he hurt me is something that I will never forget either.
I'm not going into this situation blindly people.. I know what the deal is.. and honestly, I'm just curious to see how it goes. I know how it'll end.. and that's ok.. I've always known that he and I wouldn't be together in the end... but the ride along the way? It's been more than interesting.
The thing about him.. as much as he's an ass... he really is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. I always have fun whenever we're together and he and I just have this "thing" between us that just can't be explained. I think that it can't be explained is what drives him crazy. As creative as he is, he's a logical motherfucker and the fact that this 'relationship' we share has never made sense or followed any sort of rules, just screws him up.
I dunno. I just know that this will be interesting.. which is fine with me.. because who wants to live a boring life? Who wants a life without strong emotions?
~ Anyways.. going back to my original thought... the five years.. holy hell... if you're bored, the archive page is fixed... go back and read some of the entries.. I promise they'll make you laugh.
xoxo
Melinda
