11:50 p.m. - 2006-04-16
woohoo emotional entry
~ It's been a while since I wrote an emotional entry in here.
I've been reading my friend's blogs and I've realised that no matter how good you think someone has it... things aren't always what they seem... and the same thing goes with no matter how bad you think you have it.. someone is going through something worse.
I have friends who are going through breakups, family illnesses, moving, divorce... its all just seems so overwheming.. but then you realise... that's life.
Life isn't pretty most of the time. In fact, life sucks most of the time... but those few precious moments of joy, of happiness, of love... they make it worth it.
Easter is a very important day for those who follow the Christian religion. For those who know me, know that I don't follow any set religion... and yet, I tend to hold myself to a very high moral way of living.
I have to hope that there is more to life after this... but there are no guarntees. I have no way of knowing what comes next.. and so, I must make the most out of what I have been given now.
I don't see the point in fucking things up by doing stupid things and ending up in jail... or by numbing myself into not feeling what life is about. I am an overly emotional person... I would even go as far as to say that I have depression that was never diagnosed or treated... but I've tried very very hard to learn to deal with it. I almost wrote "overcome it", but I know that will never be the case. What I have learned is to recognize the positive things in my life... to surround myself with people who love and support me.... to focus on the things that I am good at, to try to build up those I am weak in.... to accept the fact that somethings are just going to suck and there is nothing that can be done about it.
I think that this whole relationship with James was a very good thing for me in the sense that I've learned my limitations. I've learned what my deal breakers are.
I miss spending time with him... I won't lie... but what I don't miss is feeling like I always had to be the responsible one. He would always tell me to loosen up more and to party more.. but I guess I just worried that if I did it as much as him, there wouldn't be anyone to make sure we'd get home ok when we'd go out.. or that there would be anyone just to be like a voice of reason.
I think that I'm a much more grounded person than I was before. I think that in my old age, I've finally realised that it's ok to be selfish sometimes.. that I can't always take care of everyone else.. and that I can't get upset when people don't treat me like I treat them. We all have our issues.. we all have our drama.. and who am I to judge?
My resolution for my 28th year is to learn to let go. To learn that I can't help everyone.. to learn that it's not my problem most of the time.. and that I can't get upset over everything.... we're all grown-ups now.. and I can't keep trying to take care of everyone. I guess it's time to hang up my "mommy melinda" hat.. well, until I have a baby of my own.
Seeing R and H yesterday really hit home jsut how much I want THAT. I want to find a nice boy, settle down, get married and just experience life together... to have fun together and to know that there's always someone at home who has your back no matter what. They are such a great couple who have been through sooo much.. and I just adore them to pieces... and I'm insanely jealous because they got it sooo right. They have been through so much crap that most ppl would have broken up over... and they have passed every test the universe threw at them with flying colors... and no two ppl deserve it more..... and their kid? holy crap.. she's too cute for words!!
I kow that very soon it will be my time.... and though I've said it before... this time? This time.. I'm ready for it.
So universe? Bring it on.
xoxo
Melinda
