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2:09 p.m. - 2006-01-22
I really hope that James is being honest when he says he doesn't read this, because if he does, he's not going to like what he's about to see.

For some strange reason I keep dreaming about Brian. I mean like a LOT. A LOT.
Before, the dreams were all me being pissy at him and him being an asshole. Lately though, they've taken this strange twist and have been about us meeting up again and being all lovey dovey.

I can' say for all of them, but for the ones that I really remember, I've always been single in the dreams, so it's not like I'm cheating on James in them or anything...

So why the fuck can't I stop dreaming about him?

I have 2 theories.
1. This is me dealing with not being single anymore... Whereas I wouldn't give up James for anything, its still a lil weird for me to be in a long term relationship.. this is possibly me working through this?
2. All of my ideas about loving Brian have been shattered by James... so perhaps I'm working through the emotional aspect of that.. like I'm dealing with the fact that I spent 13+ years loving someone who didn't give a shit about me, because I've noticed in the last couple of dreams, he's been persuing me.. so maybe it's some weird thing dealing with that.

I dunno.. its just kind of un-nerving.

~ Last night we saw Brokeback Mountain. Holy shit.. the movie was so amazing. I loved it more than I thought I would, and of course I cried like a fucking baby. I think part of it was that I could totally relate to the feeling of not being able to totally have what you want the most.... I hate that my past is still so fresh in my mind.. that after all of this time, the situation of he and I still affects me so much. Why should the pain still be so strong? When will it finally lessen? I mean I'm in a relationship where a boy loves me more than I thought possible. I love him totally.... and yet, my heart is still aching... will it ever totally go away or will I just one day become numb to it?
I worry about james in that sense too. Will he ever totally get over his ex?
Or are we all doomed to the ever present ache of losing our first love?

Anyways... I'm here at James, he's at school (he's taking weekend classes now), and I'm going to go get something to eat.
hope everyone had a great weekend!



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