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10:21 p.m. - 2007-04-07
I was such a tweaker back in the day!
Dad brought over the other bookcase for me today, along with a bunch of boxes of books... a lot of them are from my childhood, and some were ones I had bought when I was teaching K before I left for Cali.

Mixed in one of the boxes was a journal from college. It started in 1996 and went into some of 1997. One of the entries I talk about turning 19 and how weird it was to be in my last years as a teenager... now I'm about to turn 29 and my 20's will soon be over forever.

I wish I could go back in time and tell that 19 year old so many things.. like to chill the fuck out and to stop tweaking over stupid boys. Like to eat better and to not let her weight be her shield and to hide behind it so that boys wouldn't be interested and that having a fatass doesn't protect you from heartache like you think it will. I wish I could tell her that it will all turn out ok, regardless of how she *knows* it won't.

While there are a lot of things that I wish I had done in my 20's... there are so many things that I *HAVE* done, and for that.. I'm very proud of myself. To think that I'm not only a damn good teacher, but that I'm team leader and the one that people turn to for teaching advice.. its such a different experience than when I first started teaching and walked into the classroom everyday scared out of my mind. To be a homeowner and to look at all the hard work I've put into this house, makes me proud as well. Granted, a HUGE HUGE portion of it was only possible because of my dad helping, but I too have busted my ass on this house and I think in the 8 months I've been here, I've done a pretty fucking good job.
I'm so much more confident in who I am and while I know that it comes off as arogance at times, I *KNOW* what I know. I don't talk shit and will always admit when I don't know something... but when I say something is a certain way... trust me that it is.
I've said it a million times before, and its always been true. I don't know a lot.. but I know people. Talking to people recently about their relationships has confirmed that to me even more so. I get people. I understand why they do what they do... I wish I could like go in front of a board and show them and be able to be awarded a certficate to do counseling rather than having to go through school to get my Masters. While I'm a good teacher, I'm a horrible student and an even worse writer.. and its a fear of having to write a thesis which keeps me from going after a masters. It's so lame I know.. but I really can not imagine writing such a huge paper, and having to do it in a formal matter.

Laroo and I talked some things out today and I feel so much happier about the living situation. I think that I had bottled things up for too long and then just like exploded.. which isn't a good thing, and my good intentions (not stressing her out about mundane things while she was going through big issues), back fired in my face..
but we had a good day together today and we're both looking forward to the bday party next week.

Getting back to the journal thing.. its so funny to know that those people, mainly certain boys, who I thought would be around for so much longer than they were, I can barely come up with a mental picture of.. some I only remembered because of reading the journal.

I wish I could say that B would eventually be taht to me, but we all know that won't be true. I am almost glad he's not coming down this month.. I don't know if i'm ready to see him yet... partially due to the fact that i've only lost 12 lbs and want to lose more before I see him (for my own level of higher confidence, not for his opinion of me), but because I just am not ready yet. It's been a long time since I've seen him (which is the game that he and I play) and I guess as I get older, the game is harder to get into each and every time.
I *know* that there will never be anything with him.. so as the years drag on.. it gets harder and harder to be excited about the fantasy.
I guess I'm just tired of chasing after somethign that can never be caught.
Fucking unicorns.


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