9:51 p.m. - 2007-01-05
For reasons unknown to me.. I'm thinking about *him* a lot.
I told Jamey that over NYE's, I had no desire to kiss anyone.. no one interested me, no one inspired any kind of lust in me... Partially because I was sick.. but partially because no one had *it*.
No one had that spark about them.. the passion in their eyes.. nothing...
For some reason, I miss him. I miss his blue eyes.. I miss his laugh and the way he said my name. I miss him hugging me and kissing me hello.
I miss sleeping next to him, feeling totally safe and blissful.
I miss the way that he would watch me from across the room and not realise that I knew what he was doing.
I miss him talking to me about music and about art. I miss seeing his eyes light up when he would talk about CO or his future in medicine.
I miss him... even his egocentric ways...
most of all I miss the feeling I had when I was around him. I felt alive around him. I felt inspired, I felt.. joy. Even when I was crying over him... I felt like I was living... lately, I feel as though I'm walking around in a fog... surrounded by so much love, content in my life.. yet it's all in muted colors.
I miss the vibrant colors he brought into my life.
Of course I got all girly over the comment he left on my myspace page... so typical of him.. so cryptic, so noncommittal.. so.. him. Was I elated that he left it? Of course.. was I terrified at the thought of actually seeing him? Even more. It's been almost 3.5 years since I saw him last.. time goes so quickly...
Last time we were apart for 5 years.. and when I saw him, it was like it had only been 5 minutes... would it be the same way again? Would I see him and get weak in the knees or would this time be different? Would I be less affected by him.. jaded by the actions/lack of effort he's put in over the years...
I guess only time will tell...
Tonight though.. tonight I will miss him. I will curl up in bed and miss the man who once owned my soul and gave it back without a second thought. It is that man that I miss.. and it is for that reason that I will always be on my own.. because I still miss the one person who deserves it the least.
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