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11:06 p.m. - 2006-12-04
the calm... after the storm
There is a part of me that has become totally calm when everything around me is insanely busy.

It's like I've found this new sense of peace within myself.

I will no longer settle. I will no longer accept bullshit from people. I will no longer accept anything less than what I want.

Work is insane, and missing today will set me back, but you know what? Oh fucking well. People can deal with it. I will deal with her bitching tomorrow and once again, clean up her messes. I will make sure though, that if I have any say, she will NOT be on my team next year. If so, I will refuse to be team leader. I refuse to continue to be responsible for someone who is old enough to be my mother and who acts as though she's never been responsible for anything before. Once again I will fix everything, and once again, the people on my team who are worth a damn will help me out. Even though I have to put up with *her* I am blessed to have other people on my team who are truly gifted in their field.

I don't mind that work is my life right now. I know I'm good at what I do. I'm not the most organized teacher, I'm not the most creative... but I know that I am good. I know that I can't walk across campus without having some kid yell hello to me. I know that my students love me and they feel safe around me and are learning.

So I'm single. Big fucking deal. So I have a big ass.. hoody fucking hoo. I don't care about being single anymore. I don't care what size I am.... what matters to me is being the best person I am.. alone or not. What matters to me is getting healthy again, be it a size 14 or 8. My decision to start working out again has nothing to do with finding someone. It has to do with me, wanting my body to be strong. If I am going to do this alone.. then I need to make sure that my body is strong so that I won't need to depend on anyone for a very long time to take care of me.

I know I've said so many things before, but this time.. something just clicked. I feel, I dunno.. different. I feel calm and collect and comfortable in my decisions. I feel confident in myself and the trust that has been given to me at work. I feel ready to get my ass off the couch and working out again.

Whatever happens, it happens... all I want is to be able to go to bed each night knowing that I did my best in working towards my goals.

That being said, I am off to bed. I dealt with work stuff from home, made decisions that will go into effect tomorrow AM, and worked out today.



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