8:51 p.m. - 2006-11-10
What do you do?
What do you do when the only man who ever made you weak in the knees is in love with someone else?
What do you do with the fear that you'll never meet anyone who made you feel the way he did?
What do you do to keep the loneliness at bay when you are surrounded by friends who are married?
What do you do to move on from something that was never going to be what you wanted it to be?
What do you do to get over getting chills down your spine even when it's just him saying your name over the phone?
What do you do when you want to let go, but for some reason can't?
I was telling someone about him, the boy, the doctor, *my* brian yesterday. It made me really sad to know that no matter what, he and I will never be.
I try to tell myself that I wouldn't be happy with him.. that his past actions have hurt me too much to ever forgive him... but deep down... it's all a lie.
One phone call, that's all it would take.. and I'd be there.
I remember when I was leaving California, and he came over one night for dinner.. He grabbed me and hugged me and innocently said, "I can't believe you're leaving, I just got you out here".
It was one of those rare moments that he let his guard down, and it took all my willpower not to burst into tears, because the plans had already been made.. it was too late to stay.
I don't ask for much in this world.. whta I want, I go out and get... I have the job I want (contraying to my bitching about it), I have a retarded dog (who is everso cute, so he's forgiven), my own home, a car...
The one thing I want but can't seem to get is someone else.
Someone else who makes my stomach flip over the moment he walks into a room like it did every single time I saw Brian. I want someone who will hold me in his arms and the world will just dissapear for that brief moment. I want someone who will take my hands in his face and kiss me like Brian did.. and make my knees weak, make me feel like I'm in a movie.
I guess I just wish, that someone would take his place in my heart. He's been there since I was 12.. I think he's lived there long enough... I'd like to evict him.. but honestly, I don't know how. Even when I was with the ex, and loving him and planning a future with him.... B was still in the back of my mind.
I'm a fucking loser.
BAH
