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10:49 p.m. - 2006-10-13
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a very personal rant/blog on love

I just finished watching Closer. I've been meaning to watch it for forever, so thank you free HBO weekend.

I've seen the rise and fall of many relationships, my own included. I try to take as much as I can from each situation. I try to learn from the things I see, the things I experience.

I sometimes think I know so much... other times I realise, I know practically nothing.

It's been 7 months since my relationship with James ended... almost equals the time we were together.

Funny what can happen in that amount of time. In the 8 months that he and I were together, we met, fell in love (so i thought), became each other's everything, promised each other things we couldn't deliver, talked of marriage and children, made plans for the future, came to the realisation that we couldn't keep those promises, and in the end realised that love just isn't enough. He wanted things I couldn't give him and vise versa.

When we first broke up I was angry. Angry at him for not being who I wanted him to be... angry at him for telling me he loved me, angry at myself for believing him... angry that once again, it just wasn't enough.

I wonder though.. what's ever 'enough'? Can one person fullfill all of your needs? I think they can.. I've seen marriages work.. I've seen people love each other totally... but does everyone get that.. .or should I say, is everyone supposed to get that?

For as many successful relationships, I've seen double the number fail. I've seen people lie, cheat and betray at the drop of a hat. Is it our destiny? Is it prewritten who gets the happily ever after and who doesn't?

As I get older (and tomorrow I'll offically be a year and a half away from 30) I start to wonder more and more about that. Will I be one of the fucked who doesn't get to hear wedding bells? Am I just that girl who never meets "the one"?

I thought I did once. Strike that. I wanted to believe that he was the one. I was so in awe of him, so blinded by his many many positive qualities (and those blue eyes that could melt me) that I refused to see any of his faults. I defended his piss poor treatment of me to the end... refusing always to admit that I meant nothing to him. He was my dream man.. my hero, my so wanted happily ever after...

Now I know that it wouldn't have ever worked out. We're too different. I'm overly open with my emotions, he keeps his in check to a fault. I adored him, he barely tolerated me. I worshiped him and I was just one of many adoring fans to him.

I admire him for the man he's become, but he's no longer the knight in shining armour to me. It's weird.. because I fell in love with him when I was so young, and I carried the torch for so long.. I feared that I wouldn't know how to not want him, how to not love him.

Falling in love with James taught me that I could love again. It taught me that first loves usually aren't your last.. that's why they're called "first loves". It also taught me that I have a lot to offer and that I deserve so much more.

The movie stirred something in me... the realisation that I really have no one in my life that I could possibly fall in love with. There isn't anyone I know that could be someone to be with... I thought there might be one guy, but I don't see it happening.... which is ok.

I think that for the first time ever in my life.. I'm ok with doing things on my own. This last year of getting the house, getting the dog, being team leader at work, it's shown me just how much I can do...

Like any girl, I grew up with the dreams of marriage and children. I can't say anymore if either of those will happen...

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know where I'll end up living.. will it be here? Will I venture back out to Cali? Will I go to New Orleans and get flooded away?

Andy's right.. the only person you HAVE to live with for the rest of your life is you.. and I can't depend on anyone else to make me happy... so I have to live a life that *I* love and that *I* am proud of.

I think I'm doing pretty well right now. I have a wonderful family, I have the most amazing friends a girl could ask for, a home that I own, a car and a retarded dog. I don't have it all.. but I'm pretty fucking close.

I'm a lucky girl. I may end up always being the best friend to every guy I meet.. but you know what.. somehow, that doesn't seem that bad anymore.


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