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1:26 p.m. - 2006-07-19
2 years to go
I had a really bad dream while I was in Charleston that JAmes got the new 'girlfriend' pregnant. It was one of those dreams where you wake up in the emotion that you felt throughout the dream. I woke up pissed off. I do'nt know why it wouldn't make me mad.... fuck that.. yes I do.
I'm over him. I really am. Dallas made a comment about us getting back together and I was like, "FUCK NO". I don't want to be with him anymore.. because he's changed so much. It doesn't mean that changing my whole plan has been easy though. I think I've done a decent job so far...
Please remember people that we talked about marriage, family, and we were in the process of moving in together....
When that ends.. all my plans just kinda went **POOF** and I was left standing looking around like a jackass.... especially since my ex can't be alone and had moved on to the whore the day we broke up. *convient, yes I know... and no matter what he says, I still feel like he cheated on me with her*

If you've read this diary for a while.. you may have picked up the idea that I don't like not knowing things.. and you're 100% right. Maybe it's the aries part of me... I hate not knowing anything. That's why I ask so many questions.. its why I dig so deep to find the hidden meanings behind actions....

So when I had all of this shit planned out and it just went apeshit on me... I have freaked out a bit. The house thing fell into place like a dream for me.... the dog was blind luck... same with the car... and while I have all of these things settled.. I still don't feel settled.. because those are all just things that could be gotten at any point and time.

It's the relationship thing that is freaking me out.

I know that if I keep goign to the hilltop, I'm not going to meet anyone. (though the sunshine and rainbows side of me reminds me that I met adam there)I also know that going to Tampa doesn't help much either... because seriously, I tell someone "yeah, I live in Brooksville", they usually have the same reaction that I get from Lijah, "You might as well live in Conn. you live so far!"

I really hope Adam doesn't read this next part. So his rommate is just fucking dreamy. Besides the fact that he's like physically beautiful, he's just insanely cool. He's smart and well read and cultured. He's close to his family and college educated and acutally has a good job (and got employee of the quarter).
Where in the hell am I going to meet a guy like him here?
I'm not... plain and simple.

I just bought a house.. I can't move.. and I love my job.. LOVE it... so what in the fuck do I do? How important is a relationship to me? I *KNOW* it is not possible in this town.. I'm not even looking at this point....

I also know I can't leave here for at least 2 years... so I guess I wait? Hope for random hookups?


Man.. I wish I was still in SC.


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