1:09 p.m. - 2006-04-29
update and lots of ramblings
So I finally have time and the silence of an empty house to reflect on the past week.
Things with James and I have bordered on the bizzare quite a few times. We talk a lot, I still remind him of his appointments, he still is quick to tell me that he loves me, and yet, I barely make it through a conversation without crying at least once. The side of me that is rational can totally handle this... she is calm about it, understanding that it logically wouldn't ever work out, and she can deal with him seeing other people. The emotional side of me.. the side of me that fell in love with the James that I first met, is having a very hard time. She is secretly screaming in frustration as she sees the man she fell in love with slip away into a world in which she has nothing to do with.
No one is really upset that we broke up. Most of the people in my life have been quick to tell me that it was better that it ended because I was headed for a life of constant drama. In a way I totally agree, but at the same time, I don't. I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew his issues, I knew his baggage... and if he had only just let this whole S&M thing go.. I really believe we could have lived happily ever after.
That's the hardest thing abuot this.. he is so quick to tell me that it was because I wouldn't change... that I wouldn't just take on the role of a submissive girl... but in reality, it was because he wouldn't change. He knew all along what kind of person I was.. and for him to expect me to change half way through the relationship was wrong... and it was unfair.
~ I haven't spoken to Jerry since the party. I sent him a message on myspace and got no reply. I don't really know why I'm not jumping to call him.. I guess this is the part of me that is tired of chasing.. and tired of feeling like I always have to make all the effort... plus, phones work both ways.
~ Laroo and I went to look at my future townhouse the other day. D has kept it in great condition, and I am really excited about owning it! I have started the paperwork on getting a mortgage and will be calling someone on Monday who does insurance and gives members of the teacher's union a discount.. SWEET!
The color scheme of the place is teh same from when Amber painted it.. its tan and green, two colors I love. I will be keeping those colors and using a deep purple as an accent color. Laroo's room right now is a light grayish color, which she is free to paint whatever she wants... The one thing I want to do is paint the back room, which will be our workout/library/guestroom. I'm going to be buying new couches, so we'll put laroo's couch (which is a pullout) in the backroom so that guests can sleep back there and have their own space and not have to sleep in the living room. She has guests come quite often, so I think it will work out for everyone.
Other than that.. not much to report. 18 more work days until summer break!! I can't wait.... it works out perfectly timewise for me moving in, because then I have the time to work on my new place!
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