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10:54 p.m. - 2005-07-21
things are looking up
~ The last 4 days have been a blur.

I went to James's house Tuesday around 1 to hang out. I was planning on spending the day there and then going to the hospital on Tuesday... well, my mom called and said that I needed to get down there ASAP. I had seen him Monday night, but Gpa was doing really poorly so I needed to be there.

I've been there everyday, all day since. At night I would go to James's house and try to relax and unwind. He made me food and we'd play video games, and last night we watched Big Fish, which was an excellent movie, but was about a man dying of cancer, so that reallly didn't help.

I've cried a lot, but each day he's doing better. His number have gone up everyday and his strength and impecible wit are getting closer to normal as each day passes. He's developed this sense of humor than can really be matched by none, and its made the time with him so much happier because you never know what smart ass comment he'll make.

He's not been left alone since tuesday and I know it is what is helping him. He called all of us his "beautiful angels". Remember.. he's in a family of all girls, so the name was fitting.

It's been such an emotional rollercoaster. I refused to go into his room and 'say goodbye'... so to keep myself from crying I would go in there and just start babbling about James and how I finally have a boyfriend and I want him to meet him.. and so on. I cranked up my ray of sunshine to like 180%. It's helped too. He's doing so much better... he knows he has something to live for.. and all of his 'girls' need him.
Of course, he'll never be better. The form of lukemia he has is one of the toughest around. Even young people have a low rate of success... and for his age.. he's done extremelly well with it.

Hopefully now, he'll get his will in order... he's had the scare, and now that he's gettting closer to being as good as he can get.. hopefully he'll see its time.. fuck it if Gma doesn't want to talk about it.. like we told him today.. then he needs to make the decisions for her.

For the first time I drove home from the hospital without crying. He was in good spirits today and so much better.. and it made me so happy. I know the time with him is so limited, so I just want to enjoy it and talk to him and laugh.. why waste the time I have left mourning him? He's not gone yet.

I saw my sisters for the first time since the whole fiasco on Wednesday. No one really spoke to each other, but Robin kissed me goodbye, so I guess that's a start.

Adam said she talked to him online.. why I don't really know.. but I'm happy with what he told her.

He's coming in tomorrow. Will possibly be going out with him and the crew tomorrow night.. then Saturday a wedding, Sunday is Bryana's bday party, and then its off to work to start getting the room ready.. then next next weekend will be the hardcore party time wiht Adam.

Anyways.. I'm totally out of it.. I need some real sleep.. though it will be weird to sleep in a bed without my boy.. its strange at how fast you get used to having that other body there.. especially me since I've slept alone for so long.

Things with him are good. He's such a sweet boy and has let me cry tons and tons this past week, and just hugs me.
We all know I have issues with my looks/body.. but last night he was looking at me and under his breath he said, "She's so beautiful and has no idea, which makes her even more beautiful".
Yeah. Aww. ;)

Anyways.. I reallllly need to go to bed.



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