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11:51 p.m. - 2005-02-27
why in the hell would he say that?
I have this wish. A wish that just for a lil while, I'd have the ability to know what ppl TRULY meant behind the words they said.

I think I'm a pretty good judge of character. I feel like I am good at getting to the base of who someone is, and figuring them out... but I'm not perfect, and sometimes.. even I am lost.

When I told him about the email from Bri, his reaction was so bizzare.... it was like he was rooting for some sort of reunion between Bri and I. I have to admit, me being shocked was an understatement. He knows better than most how much Bri effected me and my reactions to his behavior. He knows how much hurt was there, and for him to be all, I dunno like pro-brian.. it just really surprised me. I don't really know what reaction I was expecting from him when I told him about the email.. but that wasn't it.. I know that much. Maybe I was hoping for him to be more protective and tell me that Bri is an ass and that I shouldn't ever talk to him again. Maybe I was expecting him to be more.. I dunno..
To be honest, I was expecting/hoping for some sense of jealousy.. or concern or something other than "yeah, maybe this is your chance".

Even in the small chance that Brian did move here.. I know that we would never be a like offical couple... simply because Brian doesn't see me as good enough for him. I never have been, and I don't see myself ever being good enough for him. I'm just this girl, who like worshipped him for years, and yeah, while we were friends, and the sexual chemistry was good.. that's all I've ever been to him. Brian doesn't see me as a potential mate.... he thinks I'm to emotional and intense. He thinks that I'm not like worldly enough and that because I'm lacking experience in a long term relationship that I'm like unknowledgeable in the realm of love.
I know all these things... because I know Brian. I know that if he thought me worthy at all, he wouldn't have let a year go by without talking.

I dunno.. its just somethign that really surprised me... and yes, I did email him to ask him why he would say it.

Anywyas.. there's my emotional rant.

I need to go to bed. FCAT tomorrow.

p.s. On a lighter note, I found my diary from 9th grade.. and I wrote an entry on 2/28/93 on there.. so I'll post it tomorrow so you can see what a douchebag I was at age 15.


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